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Friday, January 20, 2006

How the Pinch Saved Christmas (Part II of II)

The sunrise over the North Pole is truly a sight to behold. It speaks directly to the spirit, offering an effervescent promise of hope for a land of frozen despair. It warms even the smallest of snowflakes and seems to feed off the very rebirth it inspires. But this remains a cold, insidious and unforgiving place. Only at the onset of the gloaming do you realise that you should not have strayed so far from your home. The Arctic is not unlike Stephen Harper in this regard.

Even the hardiest of Canadians would find this too hostile a climate, but it seems to suit Santa Claus just fine. Now that he has some time off, we here at The Maple Lounge we able to secure an exclusive interview with the big man in order to discover which political party he was considering running for last month.

TML: "Hello Mr. Claus. Thanks for agreeing to our interview request."

Santa: "My pleasure. Care for another scotch?"

TML: "Certainly. So, how does Santa Claus choose a political party?"

Santa: "As you might expect, I made a list of names. A list spanning the entire political spectrum."

TML: "Just one list?"

Santa: "Just the one."

TML: "I always thought you made two separate lists, one for nice kids and another for the naughty ones."

Santa: "Usually I do. We're talking about politicians here. They're all on the naughty list. The trick is to choose the party with the fewest members on the wrong list."

TML: "And that party is?"

Santa: "Well, I reserve the right to change my mind, but ..."

TML: "Like Belinda Stronach?"

Mr. Claus bristled at the notion that he might run for one party just to get elected and then quickly hop into bed with whoever is willing to give him what he needs to advance his new career. "Hey look, I'm Santa. I'm not doing this because I need a job or just for attention," he said. Pressed for his opinion on the character of Ms. Stronach, Santa looked every bit the jolly old elf we all know, and would only place a finger aside his nose and chuckle "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

"Hell yeah, she's definitely on the naughty list," said a male voice from underneath the table, which turned out to be Peter MacKay. He emerged from his hiding spot and began lewdly gesturing with a swagger not seen in a Conservative MP for years. "Remember, he sees you when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake." (As Mr. Mackay pondered the implications of his last statement, he promptly fled to his family's farm in Nova Scotia to blubber awhile and regroup for the election on January 23rd.)

If one interruption during our exclusive interview wasn't enough, Rudolf then suddenly reared up as Stealth Ninja Agent Svend Robinson sprang out of Prancer's left ear and pinched St. Nick's ass.

"I didn't do it," came Svend's predictable denial, "but my actions notwithstanding, Claus, if you ever want a piece of the NDP caucus you know who to call." At first it seemed that Svend was trying to make a grandiose political statement in his own unique way, but that turned out not to be the case.

The brouhaha settled with only just enough time for the one final question we had come here to ask. Alas, Santa was already on the move.

He swore and he cursed as he flew out of sight, "Fuck, my wallet! Find that ass bandit! Tonight!"

This concludes the tale of how Santa's fledging political career came to an abrupt end, and how the pinch saved Christmas forever.

Hey, at least now we know which party he was running for!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

No Sunrise @ the pole.

6:49 PM  
Blogger Matt said...

Of course there's a sunrise at the pole (and a sunset too for that matter). It just doesn't happen during the 24-hour time span we're used to.

In the case of the north pole, the sunrise begins at the Vernal equinox. It takes about 3 months to reach its highest point (summer solstice), whereupon it retreats back towards the horizon (which it reaches 3 months later at the Autumnal equinox).

Or something like that ...

7:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is this all part of Stealth Ninja Agent Svend's master plan?
You know, the actually not getting elected portion?

2:36 PM  
Blogger Matt said...

I don't believe that Svend was the leading candidate in his riding, so maybe the plan was to not steal it from the incumbent. That crafty Svend, always one step ahead of everyone else!

11:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd rather have Svend one step ahead than right behind me...;)

9:28 AM  

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