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Tuesday, January 17, 2006

How the Pinch Saved Christmas (Part I of II)

Riding a wave of anti-Liberal anger, the surging Tories in all likelihood are on their way to forming a majority government on January 23rd. They came racing out of the gate at the sound of the gun, yet most observers expected another photo finish on election day once Harper's campaign started to bleed momentum. The anticipated slowdown never materialised, and in fact the opposite has happened.

While the Conservative strategists appear to have been one step ahead of everyone else this time, The Maple Lounge has uncovered shocking evidence of just how different the election campaign could have been.

Stealth ninja agent Svend Robinson has obtained top secret documents confirming the rumour that Santa Claus had originally planned to cancel Christmas and run for office. As if an election campaign during the holiday season wasn't enough, Canadians should know just how close they came to getting political pamphlets in their stockings instead of sugarplums.

"Ludicrous, just ludicrous!" said the leader of the Green Party, whatever his name is. "All I can say is that he certainly wasn't running for us. Have you any idea how much methane those damn reindeer put out, eating those blasted carrots all night?"

So you won't find Santa's signature on the Kyoto protocol or in the Green Party's member list, but honestly even having Saint Nick as a star candidate couldn't buy the Green Party any attention. It does raise an interesting question, however. Which party is the best fit for the big man from the North Pole?

Clearly the NDP's close ties to organised labour preclude Santa joining their party, what with his monopoly over elf slave labour and all. We can't see his traditional red suit going over too well with even the most left-leaning of Tories, either.

"I'm sure we could have worked something out," said Stephen Harper while campaigning from inside a giant model of the human colon, "but he said that my ass wasn't big enough for the both of us." (Mr. Harper then began to jump around and clap his hands excitedly, claiming that he had actually said "butt" instead of "but" and this was a shining example of the newer, less angry, joke-telling Conservative leader.)

Jolly ol' Saint Nick's tendency to only work one day a year makes him a shoo-in for the Senate, but the fact that he showers people with presents to garner attention implies a natural fit for Paul Martin's crew.

There was only one way to be sure. The Maple Lounge arranged an interview with Santa Claus, and you can be sure that we grilled the big man with our own style of hard-hitting journalism.

In the second half of this story, to be published on Friday January 20th, we reveal how Santa's political aspirations shone briefly like the star over Bethlehem and subsequently winked out of existence like Blitzen's cousin Bob, who never even knew what a Via train was until the day it finally hit him.


Blogger John Murney said...

Today's polling shows the Conservatives have peaked; their numbers are beginning to fall.

10:34 PM  

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