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Monday, September 12, 2005

Harper: "Come in my huge ass!"

With news that the final report from the Gomery commission will be delayed until February 2006, it appears that Canadians may be spared a dreaded winter election after all. That's not to say that some political parties haven't already shifted their publicity campaign into the next gear. The Conservative Party of Canada are taking their message on the road, however it's the way they're doing it that's likely to garner the most attention.

Hamstrung by federal legislation limiting the amount of money that can be spent in a non-election period, Harper's brain trust has decided to piggyback on another group undertaking a Canada-wide publicity tour.

"It's all about finding an organization with a similar message to our own, and then pooling resources for mutual benefit," said a Conservative party spokesperson.

With an announcement sure to raise eyebrows across the country, the Tories will evangelize from inside a gigantic model of the human colon.

Harper, who evidently is so excited about the upcoming tour that he is already suffering from verbal diarrhea, lauded the announcement as his party's rebirth. "I don't want to talk about gay marriage anymore. Today I invite all Canadians to come in my huge ass."

NDP Leader Jack Layton was clearly not impressed. "This one will go down into the, um, annals of poor political campaigning."

The Prime Minister's office had no official comment on the news, however Martin did note that Harper's image doesn't sell in Eastern Canada and that the Tories are "probably just content that Stephen Harper is technically no longer the biggest asshole in the country."

The giant walk-through exhibit, erected by the Colorectal Cancer Association of Canada, will tour the country to raise awareness for colorectal cancer, which the association says is 90% treatable if detected in the early stage.

Steven Harper was quick to draw parallels to the Tory's strategy. "It's all about getting the message out, and gaining early visibility."

Colon cancer is 90% treatable if caught early. Stephen Harper is 100% preventable on election day, which won't be until next spring.

In a bid to attract more visitors, the Tories have added an array of lasers and spotlights at either end of the exhibit, creating a "disco colon" effect. It appears to have worked, as Stephen Harper isn't the only recognizable face to be seen at the gates of the monstrous colon.

Ben Mulroney, duped by a Montreal scalper into buying a bogus ticket to see "Stephen and the Amazing Technicolor Anus," was denied access to the colon yesterday because his massive head of hair couldn't fit through the anal sphincter.

"I know I got ripped off but I don't care," he said, apparently more embarrassed by the fact that actually bought a ticket for such a show. "I didn't want to hang out with those cling-ons in your anus anyway."

An irate CCAC spokesperson stopped just short of giving Ben a nuggie. "Klingons in Uranus? What does this look like nerd boy, a Star Trek convention?"

Indeed, the one thing the Tories aren't lacking is space cadets.


Blogger Canadian Perasma said...

Strangely homoerotic...I love that in a post. ;0)

11:39 PM  
Blogger Toronto Tory said...

If a Tory posted something like this, you guys would react with mock indignation.

9:51 AM  
Blogger Matt said...

You might be right toronto tory, but by now most people have figured out that The Maple Lounge is an equal opportunity offender.

8:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think "mock indignation" trumps indignation on this site...

9:11 PM  
Blogger skritchy said...

man I can't wait to see how the photo ops from this tour turn out...

10:17 PM  
Anonymous Kim said...

"I don't want to talk about gay marriage anymore. Today I invite all Canadians to come in my huge ass."

ROFL if you don't mind me saying so, that has got to be the funniest line I've read in a long time. However, some could easily say that it doesn't take much to make me laugh.

Great post.

11:13 PM  
Blogger Matt said...

Hey thanks Kim! I'm glad you enjoyed the post, and no I don't mind you saying so!

8:50 PM  

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