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Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Canada's Military to Refurbish ex-IRA Arsenal

The Irish Republican Army appear to have laid down their arms for good. After putting an official stop last July to the violence in their 35-year campaign to overthrow British rule in Northern Ireland, they have disposed of their massive weapons cache in its entirety.

The guns and bombs have been rendered permanently inoperable, but that hasn't stopped the British government from trying to sell them to the Canadian military.

"The question is not whether the weapons work, as we know they do not, but rather if Canada's enemies know that Canada's weapons don't work," said Lord Edmund BumbleFutt, chairman of the special British commission for external weapons deals. "As we all know, whether a piece of equipment works or not plays very little role in Canada's decision to use it."

Indeed. Just a few short days after arriving in the Gulf Coast to contribute to the hurricane Katrina relief effort, Canada's ships and their Sea King helicopters are already on the way home. Lance Corporal Duke Destro, taking over the former duties of the Canadian soldiers, was glad to see the Sea Kings depart. "Dude! Those things sucked, yo!"

This is not the first time Canada has considered buying refurbished weapons from England. In 1998 Canada bought 4 Upholder-class Royal Navy submarines that were decommissioned after the UK decided to focus solely on nuclear-powered subs.

"Oh poppycock! That submarine transaction was nothing like this new proposal," exclaimed Lord BumbleFutt, who would do well to distance himself from that deal. All of the ex-British subs have been hobbled by technical difficulties, none more serious than the cabin fire aboard the HMCS Chicoutimi that killed Lieutenant Chris Saunders on the ship's maiden voyage under a Canadian flag.

An increasing frugal Martin government is banking on the hope that Canadians will see this as a way to kill two birds with one stone. (Without, of course, killing any birds or, heaven forbid, casting a stone!) "We're helping to defuse the tension in Northern Ireland by taking the weapons, while at the same time we're bolstering our military equipment inventories."

The newly instated Governor General Michaƫlle Jean, herself appointed to appeal to many different and competing interests, refused to offer any direct comment. Sounding exasperated, she simply stated that "neither my husband nor myself were ever part of the IRA."

In a surprise move, NDP leader Jack Layton said his party was planning on supporting the deal. "Nonfunctional guns and inert bombs are the only weapons that we should allow in Canada," was the statement from his office this afternoon.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Based on information from Super Double Secret Agent Svend, Canadian General John de Chastelain has arranged the conversion of the decommissioned IRA weapons destined for Canada into... potato guns?

9:17 AM  
Blogger alsocanadian said...

Svend is gonna be a triple agent...if he does make his "come back", I wonder who is "behind" him?

8:08 PM  
Blogger Matt said...

Man, if didn't know any better I'd think that A.Les and alsocanadian were in Darth Svend's, um, inner circle.

6:36 PM  

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