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Friday, September 09, 2005

Bombs in the Bayou

Military troops and police are conducting a final peaceful sweep through New Orleans in an attempt to coax the few remaining survivors into abandoning the devastated city. Apparently the fetid flood water, littered with human waste and rotting corpses, just isn't enough to convince some people to get up off the couch.

There are a growing number of reports that suggest the final death toll for the affected gulf coast regions will be horrific. The last thing the flooded, filthy, disease-ridden cesspool that used to be New Orleans needed was more bad news.

Under the guise of a humanitarian relief effort in the wake of hurricane Katrina, a Canadian naval convoy was dispatched to the Gulf of Mexico. As first reported by CTV NewsNet, this navy activity is actually the first stage of a massive invasion operation.

The Maple Lounge has obtained a transcript of the report featuring CTV NewsNet political analyst Mike Duffy and anchor Kate Wheeler. (If any readers have a video of the segment, please send it to us. We are unable to record anything because our TiVo exploded last night after it accidentally recorded Canadian Idol with Ben Mulroney.) The transcript follows:

Mike Duffy: "With so many American troops either in Iraq or assisting in the hurricane relief effort, the USA is vulnerable and it appears Canada has finally decided to fire a return salvo in the softwood lumber dispute ... "

Kate Wheeler: "Sorry Mike I have to interrupt."

Mike Duffy: "Oh fuck off! You always interrupt me! The Sea King helicopters might be loaded with mad cows and sent on suicide missions, although I'm not certain they can accurately determine where they'll crash. So I think that ... "

Kate Wheeler: "Sorry Mike. It's not an invasion force! Tee-Hee! Our mistake. Sorry!"

Mike Duffy: (audible sigh)
Even though it has since been confirmed that the Canadian mission is indeed a peaceful one, it does raise an interesting question. With all available search and rescue resources currently focused on saving civilians in New Orleans, who will rescue the Sea King pilots when they crash?

Thankfully, FEMA might get a few extra days to think about this. The Canadian convoy will be delayed after being forced to divert from it's planned course in order to avoid hurricane Ophelia.

"In a way, Ophelia might be a blessing in disguise," a FEMA spokesperson was quoted as saying. Perhaps, but we'll see in a few days: Wishful thinking didn't help when hurricane Katrina hit, did it?


Blogger Matt said...

Tip 'o the tuque goes to A.Les for the Sea King Suicide Squads!

12:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks, pal.

11:59 AM  
Blogger john said...

Terrific parody. Wish I had thought of that myself. :-(

2:35 PM  
Blogger Expat said...

Nicely done Matt!

I am still laughing at the TiVo exploding. Great touch! :)

5:49 PM  

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