Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Canada's Military to Refurbish ex-IRA Arsenal

The Irish Republican Army appear to have laid down their arms for good. After putting an official stop last July to the violence in their 35-year campaign to overthrow British rule in Northern Ireland, they have disposed of their massive weapons cache in its entirety.

The guns and bombs have been rendered permanently inoperable, but that hasn't stopped the British government from trying to sell them to the Canadian military.

"The question is not whether the weapons work, as we know they do not, but rather if Canada's enemies know that Canada's weapons don't work," said Lord Edmund BumbleFutt, chairman of the special British commission for external weapons deals. "As we all know, whether a piece of equipment works or not plays very little role in Canada's decision to use it."

Indeed. Just a few short days after arriving in the Gulf Coast to contribute to the hurricane Katrina relief effort, Canada's ships and their Sea King helicopters are already on the way home. Lance Corporal Duke Destro, taking over the former duties of the Canadian soldiers, was glad to see the Sea Kings depart. "Dude! Those things sucked, yo!"

This is not the first time Canada has considered buying refurbished weapons from England. In 1998 Canada bought 4 Upholder-class Royal Navy submarines that were decommissioned after the UK decided to focus solely on nuclear-powered subs.

"Oh poppycock! That submarine transaction was nothing like this new proposal," exclaimed Lord BumbleFutt, who would do well to distance himself from that deal. All of the ex-British subs have been hobbled by technical difficulties, none more serious than the cabin fire aboard the HMCS Chicoutimi that killed Lieutenant Chris Saunders on the ship's maiden voyage under a Canadian flag.

An increasing frugal Martin government is banking on the hope that Canadians will see this as a way to kill two birds with one stone. (Without, of course, killing any birds or, heaven forbid, casting a stone!) "We're helping to defuse the tension in Northern Ireland by taking the weapons, while at the same time we're bolstering our military equipment inventories."

The newly instated Governor General Michaƫlle Jean, herself appointed to appeal to many different and competing interests, refused to offer any direct comment. Sounding exasperated, she simply stated that "neither my husband nor myself were ever part of the IRA."

In a surprise move, NDP leader Jack Layton said his party was planning on supporting the deal. "Nonfunctional guns and inert bombs are the only weapons that we should allow in Canada," was the statement from his office this afternoon.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Harper: "Come in my huge ass!"

With news that the final report from the Gomery commission will be delayed until February 2006, it appears that Canadians may be spared a dreaded winter election after all. That's not to say that some political parties haven't already shifted their publicity campaign into the next gear. The Conservative Party of Canada are taking their message on the road, however it's the way they're doing it that's likely to garner the most attention.

Hamstrung by federal legislation limiting the amount of money that can be spent in a non-election period, Harper's brain trust has decided to piggyback on another group undertaking a Canada-wide publicity tour.

"It's all about finding an organization with a similar message to our own, and then pooling resources for mutual benefit," said a Conservative party spokesperson.

With an announcement sure to raise eyebrows across the country, the Tories will evangelize from inside a gigantic model of the human colon.

Harper, who evidently is so excited about the upcoming tour that he is already suffering from verbal diarrhea, lauded the announcement as his party's rebirth. "I don't want to talk about gay marriage anymore. Today I invite all Canadians to come in my huge ass."

NDP Leader Jack Layton was clearly not impressed. "This one will go down into the, um, annals of poor political campaigning."

The Prime Minister's office had no official comment on the news, however Martin did note that Harper's image doesn't sell in Eastern Canada and that the Tories are "probably just content that Stephen Harper is technically no longer the biggest asshole in the country."

The giant walk-through exhibit, erected by the Colorectal Cancer Association of Canada, will tour the country to raise awareness for colorectal cancer, which the association says is 90% treatable if detected in the early stage.

Steven Harper was quick to draw parallels to the Tory's strategy. "It's all about getting the message out, and gaining early visibility."

Colon cancer is 90% treatable if caught early. Stephen Harper is 100% preventable on election day, which won't be until next spring.

In a bid to attract more visitors, the Tories have added an array of lasers and spotlights at either end of the exhibit, creating a "disco colon" effect. It appears to have worked, as Stephen Harper isn't the only recognizable face to be seen at the gates of the monstrous colon.

Ben Mulroney, duped by a Montreal scalper into buying a bogus ticket to see "Stephen and the Amazing Technicolor Anus," was denied access to the colon yesterday because his massive head of hair couldn't fit through the anal sphincter.

"I know I got ripped off but I don't care," he said, apparently more embarrassed by the fact that actually bought a ticket for such a show. "I didn't want to hang out with those cling-ons in your anus anyway."

An irate CCAC spokesperson stopped just short of giving Ben a nuggie. "Klingons in Uranus? What does this look like nerd boy, a Star Trek convention?"

Indeed, the one thing the Tories aren't lacking is space cadets.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Bombs in the Bayou

Military troops and police are conducting a final peaceful sweep through New Orleans in an attempt to coax the few remaining survivors into abandoning the devastated city. Apparently the fetid flood water, littered with human waste and rotting corpses, just isn't enough to convince some people to get up off the couch.

There are a growing number of reports that suggest the final death toll for the affected gulf coast regions will be horrific. The last thing the flooded, filthy, disease-ridden cesspool that used to be New Orleans needed was more bad news.

Under the guise of a humanitarian relief effort in the wake of hurricane Katrina, a Canadian naval convoy was dispatched to the Gulf of Mexico. As first reported by CTV NewsNet, this navy activity is actually the first stage of a massive invasion operation.

The Maple Lounge has obtained a transcript of the report featuring CTV NewsNet political analyst Mike Duffy and anchor Kate Wheeler. (If any readers have a video of the segment, please send it to us. We are unable to record anything because our TiVo exploded last night after it accidentally recorded Canadian Idol with Ben Mulroney.) The transcript follows:

Mike Duffy: "With so many American troops either in Iraq or assisting in the hurricane relief effort, the USA is vulnerable and it appears Canada has finally decided to fire a return salvo in the softwood lumber dispute ... "

Kate Wheeler: "Sorry Mike I have to interrupt."

Mike Duffy: "Oh fuck off! You always interrupt me! The Sea King helicopters might be loaded with mad cows and sent on suicide missions, although I'm not certain they can accurately determine where they'll crash. So I think that ... "

Kate Wheeler: "Sorry Mike. It's not an invasion force! Tee-Hee! Our mistake. Sorry!"

Mike Duffy: (audible sigh)
Even though it has since been confirmed that the Canadian mission is indeed a peaceful one, it does raise an interesting question. With all available search and rescue resources currently focused on saving civilians in New Orleans, who will rescue the Sea King pilots when they crash?

Thankfully, FEMA might get a few extra days to think about this. The Canadian convoy will be delayed after being forced to divert from it's planned course in order to avoid hurricane Ophelia.

"In a way, Ophelia might be a blessing in disguise," a FEMA spokesperson was quoted as saying. Perhaps, but we'll see in a few days: Wishful thinking didn't help when hurricane Katrina hit, did it?

Say What?

As previously reported right here at The Maple Lounge, CTV will begin adopting certain broadcasting tactics used by the CBC. While we fully support CTV giving Ben Mulroney and his massive head of hair the silent treatment, their latest reporting techniques leave a little to be desired.

Seriously, just making stuff up so you can flash a "breaking news" logo across the screen? I wonder who they borrowed that method from? It just goes to show that you never know who's reading your blog!