Wednesday, July 27, 2005

American Bush, Canadian Anus

Canadian cows are once again hoofing it across the border and onto the waiting grills of hungry Americans everywhere. A US court of appeal has finally overturned the legal injunction put in place by Montana judge Richard Cebull, effectively clearing the last barricade blocking the reentry of live cattle into American markets.

Canadian ranchers, who collectively have lost in excess of $7 billion over the last two years during the mad cow crisis, are obviously elated at the news. To help soothe the stinging political wounds that have festered north of the border, President George W. Bush gave an impromptu speech outside a newly constructed Tim Hortons establishment in Detroit.

Unfortunately, the hastily prepared address contained several typos, yet the hapless American leader did not seem to notice as he read from a sheet of paper.

"I am pleased to announce the resumption of trade in live Canadian cattle, effective immediately," the President began with his characteristic southern charm. "I had me some Canadian Red Anus the other day, and it was great," he continued, obviously intending a reference to the Angus breed of cattle. "When I've got a hunger on, there's nothing to satisfy it quite like a huge, steaming red anus."

The few reporters who attended the event tried to correct the President, but an unidentified man in Bush's entourage quieted the them with a wave of his hand. "The President will just be making a short statement and will not take questions," barked the clearly irritated man.

"Of course when I'm in Texas, I prefer black anus. Just ask Condi," added Bush, referring to Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. "Her and I shared some great black anus when she stayed over at my ranch."

The President, appearing confused, stalled only slightly upon hearing the snickering of the crowd. "So whether the anus is American or Canadian, black or red, I just want everyone to know that I'm a true cowpoke in every sense of the word," he said with a wry smile. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm about to go rustle me up a hot anus wad between two buns, if you know what I mean." The President was later seen eating a hamburger inside Wendy's, apparently having no interest in the shiny new Tim Hortons right next door.

When asked for comment, Canadian cows don't seem to mind that President Bush made a few mistakes.

"I don't think it was a Freudian slip. We're just delighted that the legal mess is over," said Betsy, an Angus cow from a ranch in Alberta. The bovine, apparently oblivious to the fate that awaits Canadian cattle making it across the border, claimed that she's "always wanted to visit Montana" and says that the reopening of the border is proof that "there is room for all of God's creatures in America." Yeah, right next to the mashed potatoes.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Al-Qaeda Attacks Canada!

In the wake of the recent bomb attacks in London, many Canadians are beginning to wonder if the great white north could be next. Government officials, claiming that Canada is woefully unprepared to cope with a terrorist attack, have already begun to stoke the smoldering ashes of post-9/11 fear.

That Canada is the next target on the terrorist's list should come as no surprise. The UK, Australia and Spain were all major players in the war in Iraq, whereas Canada's contributions to the war on terror in Afghanistan have so far not been met with reprisal.

It may come as some shock, then, to hear that the anticipated terrorist strike has already happened. On June 30th 2005, two boats on opposite sides of the country were simultaneously run aground in an effort to cause massive death and destruction. Although as of yet no group has claimed responsibility, this was an assault that bore all the hallmarks of an al-Qaeda plot.

The first attack was meant to cause a catastrophic ecological disaster along Canada's eastern coast. A massive tanker en route to the Hibernia oil platform was hijacked by a band of heavily armed gunmen. The vessel, owned by Paul Martin's Canada Steamship Lines, was accelerated to full throttle and placed on a collision course with the oil platform. For reasons unknown, the tanker veered off course and slammed into the Innu community of Natuashish. The town was obliterated, along with all the inhabitants.

The lack of response from any level of government means that the tragic tale of the Innu people may finally have come to an end. This answers a oft-debated philosophical question: If an big explosion were to eliminate an aboriginal community and no one was left in the squalor to tell the tale, would anyone care?

"Problem solved," said Paul Martin when asked why the government didn't send an emergency response team such as DART or FART.

Stephen Harper called the Prime Minister's comments "outrageous, callous and inhumane." Jack Layton, who still owes 4.56 billion favours to the minority Liberal government, tried to find some middle ground. "I think Mr.Martin was talking about his boat. It was a problematic boat and needed a lot of costly repairs. It simply turns out that it was cheaper to scuttle the boat."

The second al-Qaeda attack fared only marginally better. At least it got some media coverage.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Busy ...

My sincerest apologies to my legions of fans. I just started a new job this week, and the previous week involved not one but two trips to Ottawa to visit friends and celebrate Canada day. There were also a few birthday parties mixed in there too, along with a week-long surprise visit from an old friend who moved far, far away a long time ago (same galaxy though, which is always nice ... saves me a bundle on long distance fees).

The most annoying aspect of all this is that I have a half-dozen half-finished blog entries that I'll never be able to complete, mostly because of the timely nature of the content.