Theocons: More than Meets the Eye
Recent polls suggest that Canadians are not ready for another election. The prevailing sentiment is that voters would rather Stephen Harper reconsider his decision to topple the Martin government immediately. Undaunted, the Conservative war drums are sounding ever louder and a vote of no confidence seems inevitable.
Outside Parliament today, Harper seemed reluctant to reveal the source of his confidence. “I have something the Liberals do not,” he said with a wry smile. “Habemus Papam.”
While the Conservative party does draw much of its support from the religious right, it seems a bit excessive to claim that Pope Benedict XVI has cast a symbolic vote for the Tories. Most people would chalk this up to the current hyperbole-inducing state of Canadian politics. However, things are not as simple as they seem at first glance.
The Maple Lounge has learned that the federal government has dispatched stealth ninja agent Svend Robinson to investigate unexplained spy satellite photos of the Vatican. Intercepted transmissions reveal that the Über-Pope, the man they used to called PanzerKardinal, has commissioned the construction of an entire battalion of Popemobiles. Internal documents stolen by agent Svend from Rheinmetall AG indicate the modified popemobiles have been upgraded with reactive armour and now carry 120mm smoothbore cannons.
Clearly the Pope is set to invade Canada in the event the Conservatives fail to win the next election, however it will take some time before the heavy assault vehicles can be shipped across the ocean. Paul Martin's Canada Steamship Lines was awarded the lucrative transportation contract, and it doesn't seem to bother the Prime Minister that these tanks will be used to stage a coup against his government. “Do you have any idea how much coin the Vatican has? Clearly, in fact, business is business,” Martin was quoted as saying.
The popetanks form the second wave of the invasion force. The Vatican has already sent in a brigade of robotic evangelist droids to establish a forward command base somewhere in western Canada. There's more than meets the eye to these robots in disguise, known as the Thecons. They can change themselves into various forms to suit the whims of the electorate, but their true agenda lies hidden back on the planet Cybertron where they were built. Military analysts agree that obtaining this hidden agenda will be agent Svend's next mission.
The Maple Lounge was unable to reach the Pontiff for comment, however a Vatican spokesperson relayed a personal message from Pope Benedict XVI regarding the impending Canadian invasion: “No more ecumenical girly men.”
Conservative MPs remained tight-lipped about the plan. Belinda Stronach did take the time to flatly deny the story for a raucous throng of media reporters. “I spoke with Stephen this morning and he told me that 'Habemus Papam' is just Latin for 'I like doughnuts'. I think Mr. Harper was pulling your leg.”
Outside Parliament today, Harper seemed reluctant to reveal the source of his confidence. “I have something the Liberals do not,” he said with a wry smile. “Habemus Papam.”
While the Conservative party does draw much of its support from the religious right, it seems a bit excessive to claim that Pope Benedict XVI has cast a symbolic vote for the Tories. Most people would chalk this up to the current hyperbole-inducing state of Canadian politics. However, things are not as simple as they seem at first glance.
The Maple Lounge has learned that the federal government has dispatched stealth ninja agent Svend Robinson to investigate unexplained spy satellite photos of the Vatican. Intercepted transmissions reveal that the Über-Pope, the man they used to called PanzerKardinal, has commissioned the construction of an entire battalion of Popemobiles. Internal documents stolen by agent Svend from Rheinmetall AG indicate the modified popemobiles have been upgraded with reactive armour and now carry 120mm smoothbore cannons.
Clearly the Pope is set to invade Canada in the event the Conservatives fail to win the next election, however it will take some time before the heavy assault vehicles can be shipped across the ocean. Paul Martin's Canada Steamship Lines was awarded the lucrative transportation contract, and it doesn't seem to bother the Prime Minister that these tanks will be used to stage a coup against his government. “Do you have any idea how much coin the Vatican has? Clearly, in fact, business is business,” Martin was quoted as saying.
The popetanks form the second wave of the invasion force. The Vatican has already sent in a brigade of robotic evangelist droids to establish a forward command base somewhere in western Canada. There's more than meets the eye to these robots in disguise, known as the Thecons. They can change themselves into various forms to suit the whims of the electorate, but their true agenda lies hidden back on the planet Cybertron where they were built. Military analysts agree that obtaining this hidden agenda will be agent Svend's next mission.
The Maple Lounge was unable to reach the Pontiff for comment, however a Vatican spokesperson relayed a personal message from Pope Benedict XVI regarding the impending Canadian invasion: “No more ecumenical girly men.”
Conservative MPs remained tight-lipped about the plan. Belinda Stronach did take the time to flatly deny the story for a raucous throng of media reporters. “I spoke with Stephen this morning and he told me that 'Habemus Papam' is just Latin for 'I like doughnuts'. I think Mr. Harper was pulling your leg.”
posted by Matt at 00:28
9 Comments:
I wonder if it is a bad thing that The Maple Lounge has become my first choice for Canadian news? LOL
Well done, Matt! :)
Yeah, you should probably get that checked out Expat.
Being an American with no previous knowledge of Canadian politics/current events, this is now my first and only source of Canadian news. And I thought I didn’t like Bush before. So you sent us a cow with mad cow…big deal. That’s no reason to be pointing our missiles at you. In fact, I think mad cow disease is a great way to solve the American obesity problem. Does it have to be a full ban? We should let a few through to the South at least. So, Matt, keep doing what you’re doing, reporting the news straight up with no spin. Well done indeed!
When the evil corporate mainstream media does it, it's spin; when I do it, it's perspective!
You said:
"Recent polls suggest that Canadians are not ready for another election."
But I think Canadians are saying this.
Thanks for bringing that to my attention 905Tory. I'll update my post shortly, because here at The Maple Lounge we pride ourselves on a strict adherence to the facts.
maybe they do favor a spring election but the headline in the calg sun today was that the libs were "surging" in the polls. i found that an odd
headline for the sun. usually they ignore polls like that. i haven't read it yet but there must have been some new polling out today.
i think svend should be promoted to read admiral. (sorry, could'nt resist)
Svend should be the rear admiral of our sub fleet, always going down...
Rear admiral Svend should take command of the flaming HMCS Chicoutimi.
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