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Monday, April 04, 2005

The Gomery Code

If you want the secret leaked details of Jean Brault's damning testimony, then you've come to the right place. The publication ban is broken, the truth is out there and it must be told. We have cracked The Gomery Code and now present it for you, dearest reader.

It is a story of deception, cover-ups, fraud and international intrigue. Brault's yarn threatens to bring down the Liberal government, who held an emergency conference call to prepare for the inevitable political fallout.

The story begins on September 26th 2002, when U.S. Naturalization and Immigration officials detain Canadian citizen Maher Arar. Traveling alone and returning from a vacation in Tunisia, Arar is accused by the Americans of having ties to al-Qaeda. Despite holding a valid Canadian passport, Arar is deported to Syria where he is tortured.

The Americans had unfortunately reacted too quickly to faulty wiretap information obtained via ECHELON while investigating the alleged mob ties of former Liberal minister Alfonso Gagliano. The mafia has long been suspected of fixing the outcomes of sporting events, including some funded by the federal sponsorship program. Brault played back a noisy, static-laden tape for the inquiry where the name "Maher Arar" is clearly mistaken for the phrase "hurry hard".

Although justice Gomery did not allow it as evidence, today's victory by the Americans over Randy Ferbey's rink at the World Curling Championship is clear evidence that the USA made good use of this secret information. Brault's testimony, however, proves that Arar is innocent and despite being tortured in Syria did not reveal any Canadian curling tactics to the enemy.

It is at this point where Brault's story takes a turn for the surreal. Fearing the disclosure of our classified curling and hockey strategies, the government dispatches secret agent Svend Robinson to assassinate a high-ranking Syrian official on a state visit to Norway. Robinson, who has since been relieved of his political duties, is both a highly trained ninja and a kleptomaniac.

Only meters away from his intended victim and with gun drawn, Svend Robinson diverts from his mark and steals Edvard Munch's famous painting “The Scream”. This resulted in the failure of the mission.

Canadian intelligence officers decided that the best place to hide the priceless piece of artwork was next to a Canadian Idol poster in Ben Mulroney's living room. In an amazing stroke of luck, the painting was damaged during a party when a fistfight broke out after Ben grabbed George Stroumboulopoulos' ass.

The painting was sent to a Liberal-friendly art restoration company in Quebec where a frightening secret was uncovered embedded inside Munch's brushstrokes. Brault then detailed several other covert operations conducted by the Canadian government to steal and examine additional works by Munch.

At this moment Brault unloaded his bombshell on the Gomery inquiry. The Canadian government, acting on the credible intelligence extracted from Svend Robinson's missions, issued a priority 7 alert to their most fearsome secret agent: Neil Young. An elaborate scheme involving surgery to repair an alleged brain aneurysm was concocted to get Young out of his Juno performance contract. The Neil Young splinter cell went into tactical assassination mode. Their target: The pope. That's right: Neil Young smoked the pope! (A direct assault on the Vatican was dismissed because of the ease in which the popemobile could dispatch Canadian tanks.)

The exact nature of the secret code hidden in the works of Munch will be explained in the second part of Brault's testimony Tuesday morning. Since he is protected by a publication ban we should expect to know the full details by Tuesday afternoon.

The debate is on as to whether publication bans make any sense in the Internet age. Despite just such a ban, the details of Jean Brault's damning testimony at the Gomery inquiry are spreading like wildfire throughout the blogosphere. Officials must now scramble to decide what, if anything, they can do to plug the leak. If this turns out to be the final update ever for The Maple Lounge, you should assume the worst.


Blogger Expat said...

I think I smell the next CBC Sunday Night Movie in that entry!

Better get onto adapting it into a screenplay soon! :o)

3:58 PM  
Blogger Matt said...

Only if you can do my storyboards! Do you think the popemobile could withstand the impact of a supersonic pickle?

4:17 PM  
Blogger Expat said...

It's a deal!

I may have to get a new pack of pencil crayons though. It will take a lot of lead to colour in Ben Mulroney's massive head of hair.

Dude, don't "misunderestimate" the power of the pickle. We are talking WMD here! :o)

11:56 AM  
Blogger Michael said...

I knew Svend Robinson was a secret agent. He stole that ring like a trained professional.

5:43 PM  
Blogger Matt said...

Michael you don't know the half of it. The ring incident was a smoke screen meant to facilitate Svend's extraction from the public eye so he could focus on more covert operations. To wit, we haven't heard from him since.

6:21 PM  

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